Feeling like crap today, it is becoming more and more difficult to seem normal and happy in front of everyone when I'm not. I have a burden and it is very heavy. My burden is life in social circumstances aka school and work. I have ONE day off in the week and I usually have homeworks to do on this day. I'm really tired, somedays I even feel exhausted. Today, I am emotionally exhausted.
I had a lover for a couple of months, his name was Peter. I had to stop seeing him for purrsonal reasons a month ago. BUT, I saw him at the bus stop last Sunday and damn was it hard on me. I literally ran away into the bus, did not listen to what he was saying. I was hurt. I then realized I was deeply in love with him, much more than I thought I was. This said... I met a guy online last Saturday. I met him in real life YESTERDAY. It was a date ( I was denying my love for Peter and wasn't really looking for someone but had a date anyway... *sigh*) and went very well. HE wants to see me again. I'm NOT sure I do want this. Because this morning when I woke up, all I was thinking was Peter Peter Peter. I miss him so much... So now, because of ME and only ME I have TWO men available. That is crazy, man ! How am I supposed to choose. As I know myself, I will just delete the two of them and stay alone, like the usual. I'm so used of being alone ( Peter and me would not meet every week, we were not a couple, just lovers and not on a regular basis) that I do not feel worthy of Claude's love (the new guy I met in person yesterday). Or maybe am I just too weak and afraid of being in a stable relationship ? I know I am damn afraid of grief. I am living two right now, my ex-social worker and Peter.
Oh... and the stupid guy I work with said something hurtful to me today. He asked me if I talk English, I said yes, I'm bilingual or almost. Then he said you talk English but you're not bilingual nobody here in Québec is bilingual bla bla bla FUCK YOU bastard ! He was putting my word in doubt and it really hurt me. I just shut the fuck up and got back to my work... but it really got me bad.
My parents are both depressed as Hell and put this all on me. Like I can take it ! My mom keeps telling me how hard it is to accept me as a mental ill person. Last time she said that was Thursday and I told her I was NOT the person she should be telling that. What do you think ?
I just want to go away and stop this fucking fake smile.