Why in the world do I have to always remain angry at some point ? Even though I know it is a choice, I always have this freaking feeling inside my heart. I try to rationalize, to mentalize the feeling, but it keeps getting bigger and bigger. I know I have a hold on it, but still, it comes in.
I feel my life is a complete failure. I feel like I have destroyed everything I have touched, whether it be humans or non-humans. I believe I am the main cause of my pain. Even though I have tried to survive and the fact that I have been fighting all my fucking life, I still feel useless and weak and a failure.
I know I am the only one who can save me, I mentalized this a long time ago, but I keep reaching for outside happiness. For someone or something who can save me. This will never happen, since we are alone in this world. We come in and die alone. It is like I still need this hand to show me the way. I just can't trust myself. I don't even know how I managed to be where I am now. How did it happen ? No idea.
"I woke up today, to find myself in the other place, with a trail of my footprints, from where I ran away, seems everything I've heard just might be true and you know me (well you think you do), sometimes I have everything yet I wish I felt something
do you know how far this has gone? just how damaged have I become? when I think I can overcome it runs even deeper
and in a dream I'm a different me with a perfect you we fit perfectly and for once in my life I feel complete and I still want to ruin it afraid to look as clear as day this plan has long been underway
I hear them call I cannot stay the voice inviting me away
do you know how far this has gone? just how damaged have I become? when I think I can overcome it runs even deeper everything that matters is gone all the hands of hope have withdrawn could you try to help me hang on? it runs...
I straight I won't crack on my way and I can't turn back I'm okay I'm on track on my way and I can't turn back I stayed on this track gone too far and I can't come back I stayed on this track lost my way can't come back"